Tragedy

This has a lot of truth to it, but it's also important to have perspective. There's a big difference between having "a hard time" and having "a hard life", as I recently blogged about.

But, when a real tragedy occurs, it's important to keep your stability and kick anyone out of your boat if they continually capsize your peace - whether deliberately, or by accident. Speaking about a tremendous personal tragedy, someone told me, "God meant for this to happen, and it's happened for a reason, and He has a plan, (yadda yadda yadda)." They meant well, but they had no clue what they should say, so instead of offering support, they brought God into it. In reply, I said, "That would make God a real dick, and a respecter of persons. I refuse to believe that. Sometimes, life just happens, and God doesn't personally have a hand in it."

There are few things more painful for a Christian in a time of tragedy, suffering, or extreme hardship than someone telling them that God's "testing" them or "sent" a specific difficulty hurtling through the universe aimed directly at that particular individual for some "divine purpose". If God did not Himself personally appear before you and expound the details of someone else's circumstances, then it's in good taste to keep your mouth shut about His intentions for that person.

Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

Recently, someone informed me that forgiveness is about forgiving, forgetting, and making nice with the person who we feel has wronged us. To me, that's a tragically false belief that makes absolutely no sense in the case of repeated disrespect, cruelty, and/or abuse. No one - not me, not you, not anyone - should feel as though he or she is required to forgive, forget, and 'make nice' with an abuser or someone who habitually treats us poorly.

Trying to figure out how best to explain my thoughts on the legitimacy of forgiving, but not forgetting or 'making nice' with an individual we consider a wrongdoer, I found an article called Forgiveness vs Reconciliation. I harmonized with the logic expressed by Dr. Howe; In my opinion, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It's not something that we necessarily need to broadcast or even express to a party we feel wronged us. And, most importantly, we need not reconcile in order to have fully forgiven an individual who has trespassed against us.

Unfortunately, forgiveness is mistakenly considered by some to be absolutely synonymous with reconciliation. These people make it clear that they do not believe you have truly forgiven and moved on unless you have 'made nice' with the individual who has wronged you. They often pressure us to approach the person who trespassed against us in order to prove our forgiveness is genuine.

When more than the wronged and wrongdoer are involved, you'll often meet with situations where the third party(ies) find it difficult to believe or outright deny that the wrongdoer has done such a thing, or that you are overreacting. They wish to maintain the 'status quo'. They may even argue that they know the wrongdoer to be a kind and decent individual. And that may be very true - in every other interaction the wrongdoer has besides their interactions with you. It's common for abusive personalities to seek out their prey carefully. That is why you hear so many comments along the line of "But he seemed so nice" or "She seemed so normal" after people are convicted of crimes. Someone only needs to rape one person to be termed a rapist. A person who has only murdered one individual is still a murderer.

It's particularly hard to manage forgiveness vs. reconciliation in family relationships, because they mean so much to us, and often have the additional complexity of involving more persons than a wronged and wrongdoer. I've had my share of experience with these situations, and after a while I discovered how to more easily maneuver the delicate territory that comes with family strife. I learned to step back and view the family member as a person. I would consider the harm or wrong I feel was committed, and ponder how I would react as though the wrongdoer were an individual entity with no intimate connection to me.

Forgiveness is important, but I'm very much in harmony with the fact that it does not mean we need to forget or reconcile with wrongdoers. I think it's important to do what we can to maintain relationships which are important to us, but not at the expense of our personal peace. When someone's cruelty, disrespect, or abuse continues no matter how you try to 'make nice', then decide if it's important enough for you to maintain the relationship. If not, forgive and make peace with moving on - whether you decide to reconcile or not.

Perfectly Loved

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." -Thomas Merton

Instead of letting a star be a star, too often, people try to whittle away at and reshape other people to fill the holes in themselves. People shouldn't be pruned into a shape they aren't just to suit the emptiness of another. It's painful to the one having their wings clipped to satisfy the selfish one's wants.

My personal life is void of people who don't appreciate, or at the very least accept, me exactly as I am. I've learned from the wreckage of important relationships around me that I never wanted to be married for the wrong reasons, and especially not to the wrong sort of person for me. I didn't want to marry to escape single life; I was happy single, too. I didn't want to marry someone selfish or controlling or proud or inflexible; I wanted someone who would let me be me.

The night before we married, I asked my husband if he would change anything about me, and his sentiments were the same as mine.

I never wanted to say or hear, "If only you would change ____ about yourself..."

At the threshold of our marriage, we were secure in the knowledge that we loved each other exactly as we were. We didn't feel as though we'd have to wait for one or the other to change in order to totally love or be happy with ourselves or each other.

Granted, people are always changing. We are both forever working to develop into better people, individually and together. It's nice, though, to know I'm already loved and accepted every step of the way as I determine more of who I am and want to be. Real life is tough, and it doesn't lend anyone who's experiencing all it has to offer the opportunity to pretend to possess qualities he or she doesn't.

Personal strengths and weaknesses play leading roles in every intimate relationship, and are constantly in the spotlight on the stage of marriage. They can't be hidden behind minor characters, or overshadowed by any amount of distracting narration. If you aren't with someone who appreciates and accepts each of your positive and negative attributes and the roles they play in your manuscript, then he or she won't be satisfied with any of your shows.

I didn't make a "gamble" when I married. I made an investment in a man with values and characteristics that would never depreciate, and I'm rewarded every moment of every day for not having settled for less than I wanted. If you have reservations about a person, it's important to deal with them before you commit yourself to marriage. Marriage isn't a training ground; it's a war zone. If you don't choose yourself a partner capable of and committed to being your ally, you're choosing an enemy.

Equality and Justice

Xena and Buffy are two of my favorite TV characters - not just because they're feminine, strong, flawed, capable, can work with a team, and exhibit ability to lead as well as follow, but because if in the course of their butt-kicking one of them hits a man, and a man hits her back, she doesn't launch into a rant about the abusive patriarchy.

In the armed forces, and apparently law enforcement alike, women aren't held to the same standards as their male counterparts are. Also, women in the USofA aren't required to sign up for Selective Service, as are virtually all male U.S. citizens and immigrant male non-citizens between the ages of 18 and 25. If I must ever rely upon the Colorado Spring Police Department for my safety, I hope the officers are among those who have passed each of the tests the other officers are required to. I don't pretend to know how male servicemen on dangerous missions feel about being on the same team as females who don't have to achieve the same level of physical fitness as he is required to. I probably wouldn't like that feeling.

I believe that people should have equal protection against and equal justice for instances of harm, crime, and discrimination. No matter how famous those who contend otherwise may be, "feminism" (etymology: Latin fēminīnus, from fēmina “woman”) has been, is, and will always be about females. If it weren't, I would expect every "feminist" to be campaigning as actively to require women to sign up with the Selective Service and meet all employment standards that male employees must, as they campaign for women's rights.

I do think that women's suffrage is and has been important. I think that women's health issues deserve a lot more funding and a lot more research and a hell of a lot better care and awareness than currently apportioned. However, if we truly want equality, then we ought to expect to act equally. This is why I'm pretty happy with the push for legislation requiring that women be included in the draft.

Boredom

There is so much to do in this world, particularly if you're privileged enough to live in a developed country like the US and aren't suffering from extreme lack of life's necessities. There's always a new skill to learn, talents to explore, hobbies to enjoy, physical activity, learning, socializing, etc. Even TV and reading and playing games are good activities, within reason.

There is no reason for an adult to be bored. There are events and activities which are boring, people who are boring, and places which are boring - but being bored? That comes from within. So, with that being the case, when someone above the age of 18 complains in my presence about being "bored", my opinion of their intelligence and respectability suffers traumatically, if not fatally.

Along with the typical things in life, like church and school, I've had major health struggles and several invasive surgeries and procedures, lengthy convalescences, doctor's appointments and countless ER visits. There have been substantial periods of time when I've been disabled or house/hospital bound. And yes, even while being in severe, constant pain and illness, I have not been and am never bored. Miserable and scared and frustrated at times, but never bored.

I discovered early in life that I found boredom to be a shameful thing to feel, much less admit to, in a world as vast as ours is. Even when I haven't had use of all four limbs, I still had my mouth and a brain. There was and is still no excuse for boredom. The need to be constantly entertained is the symptom of a poorly disciplined mind.

"Adventure is out there!" - even if you have to make it up for yourself.

Gender Related Issue: Man Love Thursday

"Man Love Thursday", as it's referred to by our servicepeople, is a tense time when deployed in the Middle-East. You see, Friday is the Muslim day of rest, and they believe that their sins will be forgiven on the morrow. Because of this belief, some Muslim folks celebrate Thursday by going out a-raping their boy slaves and anyone else, regardless of gender, they can force themselves upon.

Downrange, this day of the week instills the same fear in men that women back home refer to as "running errands alone after dark".

"A Hard Time" versus "A Hard Life"

Whenever I hear someone complain or try to blame things on having a "hard life", I 100% expect that complaint or rationalization to be followed by:

Because...

*I was a POW
*I have spent time in war/caring for the wounded and/or dying and dead

*I was tortured and/or kept locked up for months or years

*I was a child soldier

*I suffered long-term abuse or privation

*I am maimed, disabled, or disfigured in such a way that it causes me daily suffering

*I have an incurable or terminal illness that causes me daily suffering

*I have a serious mental illness that causes me daily suffering

*I am the chief source of care/support for my moderately to severely ill/disabled family members

*I am moderately to severely ill/disabled

*I have serious psychological or physical ailments stemming from traumatic experience or abuse

...or things of that nature.

Everything else qualifies as "a hard time" in life, such as broken bones, labor/delivery, break ups, etc. It does not qualify as "a hard life".