Perfectly Loved

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." -Thomas Merton

Instead of letting a star be a star, too often, people try to whittle away at and reshape other people to fill the holes in themselves. People shouldn't be pruned into a shape they aren't just to suit the emptiness of another. It's painful to the one having their wings clipped to satisfy the selfish one's wants.

My personal life is void of people who don't appreciate, or at the very least accept, me exactly as I am. I've learned from the wreckage of important relationships around me that I never wanted to be married for the wrong reasons, and especially not to the wrong sort of person for me. I didn't want to marry to escape single life; I was happy single, too. I didn't want to marry someone selfish or controlling or proud or inflexible; I wanted someone who would let me be me.

The night before we married, I asked my husband if he would change anything about me, and his sentiments were the same as mine.

I never wanted to say or hear, "If only you would change ____ about yourself..."

At the threshold of our marriage, we were secure in the knowledge that we loved each other exactly as we were. We didn't feel as though we'd have to wait for one or the other to change in order to totally love or be happy with ourselves or each other.

Granted, people are always changing. We are both forever working to develop into better people, individually and together. It's nice, though, to know I'm already loved and accepted every step of the way as I determine more of who I am and want to be. Real life is tough, and it doesn't lend anyone who's experiencing all it has to offer the opportunity to pretend to possess qualities he or she doesn't.

Personal strengths and weaknesses play leading roles in every intimate relationship, and are constantly in the spotlight on the stage of marriage. They can't be hidden behind minor characters, or overshadowed by any amount of distracting narration. If you aren't with someone who appreciates and accepts each of your positive and negative attributes and the roles they play in your manuscript, then he or she won't be satisfied with any of your shows.

I didn't make a "gamble" when I married. I made an investment in a man with values and characteristics that would never depreciate, and I'm rewarded every moment of every day for not having settled for less than I wanted. If you have reservations about a person, it's important to deal with them before you commit yourself to marriage. Marriage isn't a training ground; it's a war zone. If you don't choose yourself a partner capable of and committed to being your ally, you're choosing an enemy.