"Modesty"

I appreciate that this article states that, "overemphasizing modesty can unintentionally teach that girls are responsible for boys’ sexual thoughts and behaviors." A few years ago, I took my brothers to a widely-attended religious conference for young people aged 14-19. One of the speakers was a man in a leadership position that strongly advised that females are responsible for keeping a man's thoughts and actions pure by the way they dress. His was clearly a misguided opinion that is not part of my faith's doctrine. Therefore,

"[...]it is important to distinguish influence on another person from responsibility for another person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. An extreme example is the classic excuse used to justify rape, “She was asking for it.” A woman dressing in a way that a man views as sexually provocative may have an influence on him, but only he is responsible for his behavior."

(1) When we reduce the concept of modesty to what females wear, we are reinforcing the very thing that modesty is supposed to help avoid: the sexual objectification of women’s bodies.

(2) Overemphasizing modesty gives others implicit permission to judge and measure a woman’s dedication to the gospel, or “worthiness,” based on physical appearance.

(3) Appearance sends a message about who they are, based on their culture, and that it has influence on others, but they are never responsible for another person’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors."

I most certainly do not contend that modesty is an overrated asset; it is taught and practiced in my religion because it's important. I support that at Church-sponsored events, attendees are expected to adhere to a dress code that requires men and women to be neatly groomed and dressed to the preset standard, and to act in accordance with religious standards.

I do not believe, however, that clothing modesty should be a communal tool used to force the non-compliant to feel shame; I think it's a personal conviction that encompasses a pragmatic awareness of self and circumstance, and edifies feelings of comfort and competence in the company of others. Not everyone is taught the same things about what is modest to wear, but the standards for Church events have been made pretty clear and I believe everyone should be able to expect themselves and other attendees to follow those guidelines.

Outside of Church-sponsored events I'm chaperoning, though? It's not my job to tell my boys to change their ripped jeans to slacks or tell my girls to put on a longer skirt. That's their own prerogative out in the world, and it's up to their parents to school them in matters of dress.

Telling the Truth

Let's get personal for a moment. I was a virgin when I got married at nearly twenty-seven years of age. It was because of personal religious values. Am I proud of it? Yes, because I made a choice and I stuck to it. Do I think anyone who engages in premarital sex is, therefore, not as holy as me? No, not really. The agency was theirs to act upon, as it was for me. I just wish it could have been a better experience for a lot of my loved ones who did decide to have sex as teens.

People say that's kind of hypocritical; frankly, I think it's hypocritical that even when young couples newly wed in my religion get married, they have experiences just as poor because no one's bothered to teach them to have good sex.

It is true that abstinence is the only method that guarantees avoidance of STDs and unwanted pregnancies, but regardless of how you feel about it personally, it’s a costly mistake (financially, physically, and emotionally) to not teach your child how to use contraceptives to protect himself or herself if and when they choose to exercise their God-given free agency. I would rather my child experience a safe, enjoyable and consensual "first time" regardless of age or relationship status as opposed to a miserable and frightening and painful experience that leaves him or her struggling with an unwanted pregnancy of partner or self.

It is a parent's responsibility to educate and fully disclose to their children the facts concerning sex, reproduction, and the responsible use of contraceptives. Children should not be confused and misled with religious dogma, half-truths, and outright lies designed to keep them 'pure' and 'modest'. We should not be shaming them and shutting them down when their sexuality begins to develop and create new experiences in their life. We should provide them well-considered, age-based truth and facts and continue to keep supporting and informing them as they grow.

Children deserve truth. They're capable of handling it. Parents cannot expect to 'opt-out' of having important conversations and learning experiences with their child because it's complicated, difficult, uncomfortable, or painful. Among other things, parenthood is a responsibility. If more parents would stop taking their duty and authority for granted, maybe children would learn respect for it as well.